Days 16 & 17 (Tuesday & Wednesday)

Mel - you may well have saved my diet! Temporarily at least.

Had a very odd day yesterday (Weds). Mr RB & Hamish were travelling up to Dunfermline to spend a few days with Mr RB's family before I fly up to meet them on Saturday for a week. (On a side note - am feeling very guilty about not 'off setting my carbon footprint' for that flight so will have to look into how to do it.... Can't you pay for a tree to be planted to counterbalance the emissions contributed to??)
Felt very nervous when I knew Mr RB wasn't going to be around to lightly 'supervise' the diet and keep reassuring me (albeit through mouthfuls of creamy pasta bakes or 8 slices of cheese on toast and a family size bar of Dairy Milk etc etc) how well I'm doing. It was on my mind all day that now I could just 'cheat' and nobody would know any different. I stuck to my shake for breakfast and lunch during the day but after work was almost a completely different story.
I had to go to Tesco to stock up on dark salad leaves to have with my plain tuna for dinner so tootled on along there despite knowing that it was going to be a struggle because I was hungry and would be tempted.

And tempted I was. Binge mode hit me and off I went round the shelves scooping various foodstuffs into my trolley in an almost robotic state. Of course I knew what I was doing - I would never want to make excuses for binging - but there is something animalistic and 'raw' about the processes I seem to go through where I feel compelled to act in certain ways.
Some of the foods were: 16 x Muller snack pot yoghurts, 12 freshly baked bread rolls, 8 jumbo hot dog sausages, 2 packets of frangipanes, a jar of chocolate spread, a litre tub of caramel & fudge ice cream and a partridge in a pear tree.
I struggled with my diet conscience soooo badly and was almost in tears in the frozen aisle in Tesco, (which would have been a highly embarrassing situation had I been discovered blubbing surrounded by frozen foods!). I knew that to go ahead with all this food would mean letting myself down, catapulting myself out of ketosis, having to experience the self loathing that happens after a binge etc.

So (and this is where you come in, Mel!) I made a deal with myself that I'd check my blog (on my mobile, which is what I do most days anyway, although generally not in the middle of Tesco...) and see if I could glean any wisdom that would help. And Mel's comment on the last post certainly did help - it was positive and reinforced what I knew I should do while admitting that staying on the dieting wagon is certainly more difficult at times than one would think. Just to have that understanding of my predicament while I stood there in the supermarket was all I needed and enabled me to walk out of there with my bag of virtuous spinach, watercress and rocket leaves and my head held high. So Thank You Mel! You may well have saved my diet as, had I broken yesterday, it would probably have morphed into a 'blip' of a few weeks or months before I got the mental energy to have another bash.

Support is so important, so thanks again.

Today has been easier - I've felt a little more relaxed and happier with my choices, dull as they are.

Tomorrow, I'm due to go out for a meal with some friends so will stick to a green salad and a small piece of fish or chicken which is pretty much what I've been having for dinner recently anyway. It's weird that I'm not as nervous going out to a restaurant as I am being left alone in a house with cupboards, freezers and bread bins full of food I could binge eat and nobody would notice....

I wonder how Lesley is getting on in Canada and whether food choices are tormenting her? I think her head's in such a good place dietwise now, though, that she'll probably be doing just great.
Hope so!
xx

Days 12, 13, 14 & 15 (Friday - Monday)

We liked this picture, which was taken the weekend before I started the diet, as it has 'Muffins' - 'Past Times' in it which we thought was very appropriate.

This is me tucked in between Sharon (sister in law) who has lost 3stone 2lbs on WW and Simone (best friend) who has lost 4st 7lbs on WW. They've done very well.

This is Mr RB & wee Hamish at the beautiful Llantwit Major coastal walk last weekend. The sun was blazing and Mr RB looks yummy (although he thinks he looks a bit podgy in this pic?!!!).

Wow wee! I've not posted for ages!

I've been struggling sooooooooooooooooooooooo much over the last few days. It seems every carbohydrate based love bucket of food possible has crossed paths with me and it's all got a bit too much to bear recently.

I even burst into tears on Friday night and sobbed inconsolably for about 5 minutes, much to my embarrassment and (afterwards) amusement. It seems MAD to weep and almost mourn 'nice' food like I did, but it reminded me how much this is like trying to break any other type of addiction.

It's tougher than I thought to have your security infrastructure removed, and yet be faced with poor imitations of said food-based security every single day that don't help soothe a troubled mind like the calorie-and-fat-laden-one did. I had very strong mental cravings to go home via the supermarket and stock up on heavenly binge food that would make me feel much better, if only for a short time. I kept saying to myself, 'RB, what do you want more - to have a temporary 'fix' that will keep you satiated for a short time or to be slim and happy and healthy?' and I can honestly say that at that moment (and lots of others over Thursday, Friday and Saturday) I wanted the fix rather than the long term reward.

The only thing that has kept me sticking to this diet was the fact that my Ketostix are telling me that I'm currently in ketosis and if I come out of it for the sake of a binge it will take me almost a week to get back into it (if this is factually incorrect please don't correct me or I'll be tempted to binge even more if I think I can fix the problem quickly!) and the weight loss will slow.

It hasn't helped that this week I've only lost 2 lbs, which, as I've said on here once or twice and to Mr RB several hundred times is impossible for a woman of my size, eating only 550kcals and doing moderate exercise. However, I did suspect that it was pre-TOTM week where historically I have retained water etc so I have pushed on to the end of the week and am now in TOTM and thus should see a good weight loss next Monday. FINGER'S CROSSED!

I can't believe I'm only just at the beginning of week 3 and have had so many emotional ups and downs already. I keep thinking about what Lesley said about joining a group, and thinking it's an increasingly good idea. I just don't think I can afford it at the moment.

Have done quite a few bits and pieces of exercise recently, getting up nice and promptly on the weekends to play badminton, go swimming and take Hamish for an uppy/downy trek which tired all 3 of us out quite significantly. It's been nice spending our first weekend of the year together (Mr RB hasn't had a Saturday off since October last year!).

Tonight we've been to a 90 year old's birthday party! It was surprisingly lively and jolly good fun actually, although there were tables groaning with high class party food that is just so nibblesome. Had quite a few different meats but refrained from the delicious looking pork pies, sausage lattices, fresh mouthwatering sandwiches, vegetable crisps, assortment of posh cakes and elegant chocolate nibbles..... Again, was harder than I thought it would be to leave such food alone as with so many people there I thought I'd be more distracted. Sim came too and got told how lovely she was looking since the person had last seen her due to her weightloss which was really nice for her. Will be great when it's my turn, but I really am happy for her in the meantime!

Came away from the 'do laden with leftovers which I made Mr RB swear to take with him on his journey tomorrow. If they're not all taken I will have to dispose of them as temptation may overcome me. I have a tiny secret fantasy of breaking the diet completely and spending the four days alone which Mr RB will be away locked in a room with a TV and the company of my two very good friends Ben & Jerry. Actually, Haagen Daaz (how do you spell that?!) Cookie Dough is my favourite, but it doesn't fit my fantasy so well. Sigh.

Well, onwards and upwards. I'm going to keep at it until at least Monday then, if still no big weightloss has been recorded, rethink my strategy. This aint living at the moment but I'm prepared to do it for the big losses other people have had, but not for anything less.

xxx

Positive Thursday - Day 11

Day 11, eh? That's quite good. This week's going fast.
Although I hate the thought that I'm wishing my life away.

After yesterday's sad sack show and the subsequent firm but gentle pep talk by Lesley who is wise beyond her years and bursting to the seams with good advice, by the way, I've decided this will be a Positive Post.

Hence, a list I made a couple of days ago to remind me why I want to lose weight and what I'd like to do when I get there, or even on the way to being there.

So, as they say in self help groups (on the TV at least): Let's Share.

1. Horseriding

I've always wanted to do a horse riding or pony trekking holiday but, in sympathy to the animal world, I've so far not imposed myself onto some innocent, doe eyed beast. But I'd really like to do this when I'm slim.

2. Salsa dancing

I'd like to incorporate lots of exercise into my every day life and I'd really like to be able to learn to salsa fairly competently. I can probably do this on my way to being slim, but I've no desire to sweat all over people at the moment. I think I'd rather start working out on my own and work up the stamina to do a proper class.

3. Non frumpy clothes

There are some funky clothes for chunky people, but they are usually more expensive than I can afford and I end up buying things that I like but don't Love and 'making do'. I used to have some sort of style, involving vaguely hippyish styles but nothing really sits as well on my frame now, and some things I just can't get away with. I'd love to reconnect with the old me in that respect.

4. Running

Now, I've never liked running and haven't had much success to date. I managed to jog/walk around the Race for Life course last year but that's about it. However, I'd like to build up to running a 10km race at some point. That seems unimaginable at this point in time, but if there's a will there's a way and we can do anything we put our minds to. (did you notice how I chickened out of actually owning that cliche?! I could have said 'I can do anything I put my mind to' but I deliberately woosed out and went for the all encompassing 'we'. Hmmmm...interesting.)

5. Boob job

I've wanted a boob job for about 5 years now in a vague manner. I've always known it's pointless doing it when I'm a chunky monkey so when I get slim I've definitely going to do it! Dolly Parton here we come! (haha...!)

6. Skiing holiday

With Sim. As long as she doesn't get too competitive.... x

7. Slimming club leader

I've been on diets since before time began. I've tried most things (although never the infamous Cabbage Soup Diet which sounds even more extreme than LL!) and failed and know how people feel and how desperate they can feel about themselves and I'd love to work with others and help them through it too. Feel a bit self conscious writing that so close to the beginning of the diet but it's something I'd like to do one day, so that's ok.

8. Conceive.

What with being so overweight and having PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) my chances of conceiving aren't great so the weight loss should go a long way to relieving some of the symptoms of PCOS and give the wee fishies a clear run to the egg! (was that a bit graphic? sorry!) I'd love to have some kiddies but I also want to be fit enough to care for them and play with them to the level they deserve.

That will do for now, I think. They are all very positive things to look forward to if I succeed in this. I mean when I succeed at this. Of course. Roll on my future without the rolls of lard!

Lesley - I'm going to have a serious think about trying to join LL again. The leader puts me off though, but maybe I'm judging her too harshly. I wish there was another group in Wales. I think the support would be invaluable and not having the option of real meals alongside the counselling was always the lure in the first place. I'll let you know how I get on. Thanks again for your wise words - they mean lots to me. x

Tuesday & Wednesday - Days 8 & 9

This guy made me smile.

I've just been reading Lesley's blog (which I thought she'd been neglecting when it turns out I'd bookmarked the wrong blinking page for the last 5 days and therefore it looked like it hadn't been updated) and Mrs's blog and others and am left feeling pretty......[searching for a word] wibbly. Ok, I know that's not a word, but it's how I feel.
It's a strange mix of complete pleasedness (again, not a word - I must stop writing this at 11pm at night!) for the joy that success in weight loss has brought for the relevant people alongside a growing sense of dread that I may never get there whichever way I try.

I know why this somewhat mawdling feeling has come about, mind you.
Firstly, after the great weight loss of last week I thought I'd do a quick check on my weight this morning to check my progress after two days of week 2 and the numbers hadn't changed at all. I know I shouldn't do this as it does seem to affect my mood and sense of purpose but I was a little gutted that there was no movement. Surely it's physically impossible for a woman of my size to consume only 500-550kcal per day, drinking at least 3 litres of water, not to lose weight?? Even in 2 days?
Crikey, I feel like a numpty whinging about this after last weeks fantabulous 10lb drop but it's these little things that just niggle away at the times you've not got much else on your mind and make those shakes just a little less bearable.....
But I'll be fine tomorrow and upbeat and positive and WON'T get weighed until Monday, however large the temptation.

Talking of temptations.....since I started this diet last Monday we have had cakes brought into the office twice (a gorgeous looking M&S banana cake and individual chelsea buns respectively), those new Cadbury's chocolate biscuits once and then today, because we had clients visiting, we had the spare sandwiches and finger foods from their platter in the office. Honestly, going to send a fax without giving in to the lure of the sumptuous carbohydrate laden plate was a serious trial! That's a whole heap of food on offer which I've turned down very politely and very reluctantly!

Anyway, secondly (the other reason I feel a bit mawdling) is that I ate another proper 'meal'. Tonight was definitely fun - had the folks round for an impromptu barbeque. Mr RB is a real man in the fact that if the sun makes a 5 minute appearance, out pops the bbq as if by magic, complete with industrial quality implements (although no tacky apron with a man's muscly body on it, thank goodness!) and he rustles up a bbq masterpiece.
My mum, dad, brother, sister in law and best mate came round so we did lots of traditional bbq food including Jumbo Sausages, which I think deserve the capitalisation as they used to be such a firm favourite - nay, a passion!- of mine....that is, before I turned veggie and then started using protein shakes as my main source of food.....Sigh.

Ever thoughtful, Mr RB had popped to Iceland and bought frozen tuna steaks and salmon fillets as he thought they'd be the best alternative for me to the burgers, chicken legs & sausages all covered in mounds of cheese and mayo he was cooking for everyone else. Bless him. He is such a helpful love and I'm very lucky to have someone so supportive. So, although I am essentially a vegetarian I did have a tuna steak (about 2/3s of it anyway, until I saw the g r o s s veins in every chunk and then I couldn't face anymore) with green salad and half an egg. Although there's few carbs in this meal and I really enjoyed it I still felt that I'd failed a little bit on my diet today. I just didn't want to eat 'real food' so often - I wanted the whole stress of eating to be lifted from me, but Mr RB had gone to lots of trouble to buy the fish and make it nice for me with herbs etc that I wanted to enjoy it for his sake as much as mine. I think the disappointment partly stems from not knowing exactly how many calories I've consumed which the LL diet doesn't let you think about as it's all worked out for you. I estimate that the meal was about 250-300kcals at the most (with the tuna being around 200kcals) which only takes my daily total up to 600 at the most, so it's still ok I suppose.
Actually, that's fine and I should stop this mood I seem to be in of trying to see the worst in myself. Gosh, this blog is therapeutic! 600kcals, 5g net carbs & 4 litres of water aint bad at all, baby. And I didn't even touch a tiny piece of the fresh bread rolls that kept winking at me and bread has always been my ultimate weakness before. So well done me.

No exercise today though. Will remedy tomorrow.
Lead on, McDuff. xx

Day 6 & 7 Sunday & Monday

Sunday

A much less energetic day than yesterday but nice all the same. Spent most of the day with Sim being sympathetic but not too much, which is how our friendship seems to work
She's very tempted to try a LL style diet as a kick start back onto being successful at WeightWatchers but she suffers from a condition where her blood pressure drops really low and she faints quite frequently and I'm not sure a 550kcal diet would be the best thing for her.

We went shopping at Asda, which was quite amusing in terms of the items I was putting into my trolley as opposed to those she was putting into hers. I have to admit hers did look a lot more appetising. Still healthy, but with juicy, succulent fruit and big fresh fish and Real Food!

Did well on the diet though and stuck to it perfectly.
Mr RB and I had a mini tiff during the evening when we went to the cinema (to see Black Snake Moan - a bizarre film that I'm not quite sure I enjoyed, but didn't hate) over a bag of peanut M&Ms! Now I think I'm pretty good with not lusting too much over the yummy foods he eats and he'd already bought himself a mammoth full sugar Fanta to slurp throughout the film but the thought of him sitting next to me with a family size bag of M&Ms, eating them as slowly as he does and then ending up having to take half a bag home to loiter round our house to lure me with their siren call from some cupboard, was too much to handle.
So after some huffing and puffing and dark mutterings he did the decent thing and settled for his bucket of fizzy stuff.

Monday

I've lost 10lbs this week! Hurrah! The drinks are on me! (only water, of course, unfortunately....)

Today's been easy, diet wise. Checked my ketones and I'm coming out as Moderate to Large on the scale of how ketonic you can get, so that's good. I'd quite like to be moderate to large in real life too rather than Extra Large to Extra Extra Large.
On a side note - how embarrassing is it when you need to be sized for work clothes?!!! We don't wear uniforms in our office (I work in sales at a fine fragrance & skincare wholesaler) but every so often management takes it upon themselves to try to conform everybody and give them random pieces of clothing bearing the company logo. So far I've got a (quite nice) fleece and a (yucky, butch) polo shirt and I've seen a (plain geeky) sample baseball cap hovering round waiting to gain approval. Having colleagues trying to subtly ask what size I think I'll need after going round the 'Smalls' or 'Mediums' is just the most cringe-worthy thing and being asked to join in and try them on for size is even worse. *Shudder*

Anyway - along with my ketostix I'd ordered a sample pack of bars from the company Go Lower. They looked quite tasty and Mr RB said they didn't taste too bad for low carb, low GI food so I might buy some of those towards the end of my diet when I'm weaning onto real food again. I've started to love my shakes though - they're really filling and nice and tasty. I also love not feeling hungry ever. Or hardly ever anyway. The water is just great at tackling this and I'm almost hitting the 4litres a day which, for a lass who's only pure water intake was half a cup to take tablets with, is pretty damn cool! Hurrah!

Went swimming tonight and did 15 lengths which I know isn't a lot but we only had 25 mins before we had to be out of the pool, I'm a complete weakling and not very good at swimming, and is 5 more than I've managed the last few times so I'm quite pleased about that also.

Lesley - thanks again for all your comments and wise words. I'm taking a Sanatogen Gold every day to make sure I'm getting the RDA of lots of vitamins. It's a freakishly big pill so it should cover most of the bases! I'm hoping this is enough, but I'll pop over to Mel's blog and ask her advice anyway. I really liked that about LL that you don't have to worry about anything at all nutrionally - from meal planning to making sure your body is receiving all it needs is taken out of your hands which must be lovely. I will reassess how my home made plan is doing every 2 weeks I think to make sure I'm still on the straight and narrow and will go and ask lots of questions of Mel to try and emulate her success.

Right, I'm off to have a wee read of other people's blogs and then to bed and to sleep on a pillow of inspiration! (Crikey, did I actually just write that?!!!)

Saturday - Day 6

What a great day today!

I think I'll number the great things as everybody likes a list:

• Sticking to the diet has been easy peasy lemon squeezy


• I even included a good long cliff walk at Llantwit Major with lots of ups and downs to keep my heart rate up, which was highly invigorating and a great way to spend a sunny Saturday on the Welsh coast! (see above, somewhat sweaty, pic)
  
• I had my first 2 comments on this blog (although the lack of comments is not really surprising as I haven't had the courage to tell anybody about it yet....!) which are so lovely and inspiring so BIG thanks to Lesley & Melanie!


• I had a semi-meal instead of a shake which tasted soooooo good. It was simply 1 egg and watercress with rocksalt (see pic) but yummy nevetheless. This won't be a habit as I really feel conventional food is a honey trap that will lure me in with promises of 'go on, you can eat me, I won't hurt your weight loss progress' then before I know it I'll be chin deep in empty pasty wrappers and my all time faves Refresher chew bars.
• I haven't experienced physical cravings today for the first time and only mental ones when I popped to my brother and sister in laws' house to find the culinary bug had bitten my brother and he'd made, amongst other yummy things, the most delicious (looking!) very deep fill cheesecake/trifle dessert thing that was nearly 10cms tall! Mmmmm....

I feel a bit selfish today though as my friend had an operation on Wednesday and has been home since late Thursday and I haven't even been round to visit yet. I've rung and texted but it's not the same as having someone come round and make a nice cup of tea and plump your pillows for you, is it? I'll definitely go round tomorrow bearing gifts not involving food as, although she's currently doing very well at losing weight on Weight Watchers, she does tend to use food as a crutch somewhat, so best not encourage that in others, eh?

Regarding the lovely Lesley's comments from yesterday's blog: I have thought about SlimFast, but I wanted to emulate the LL programme as much as possible and from what I've found out from various places it seems to be a low carb, sole source diet and SlimFast isn't low carb as far as I can tell from reading the nutritional info on the side, but what with the 'actual carbs v net carbs' argument that wages on I'm never really sure! Do you know if the LL diet bit being low carb is right?

I'm going to look into the Cambridge diet but I particularly wanted LL for the counselling side of things and although I can't really afford the weekly subs I would have stretched my budget because of the counselling. I'll still look into the diet though for sure.

As for exercise; I want to incorporate some structured exercise into this forthcoming week and will spend some of tomorrow planning how to make use of my Stretch card (for the council leisure centres). I'd pretty much ruled out exercising in week one as I thought I'd be suffering from the carb and caffeine withdrawals, so next week should be a proper start.

[On a side note, I was chuffed to find in reliable old Tesco of all places some great, ready to drink chocolate shakes that have only 1.5g net carbs which will be super useful for forthcoming days out.]

Anyway, I'm adjourning to my bed now - thanks again for the support, you guys.

xx

Days 4 & 5

As days go Thursday was a toughie. I drank my quota of water and ate/drank my 500 kcals (a strawberry protein shake with soy milk (150), a low carb bar (150) and a chocolate shake with water (200) but struggled a LOT. I kept getting pangs to binge eat my way through a 10 pack of doughnuts or a pile of lovely linguine pasta with cheese sauce or even just spaghetti in tomato sauce on buttered toast. Mmmmmm.....

But I didn't. Hurrah!

I kept telling myself 'it's only four days in, give yourself a chance'. I've read a lot about low carb dieting and they always say the first few days are the worst while your body comes to terms with using a different source of energy. Mr RB was great too telling me how well I'm doing. We took my official 'before' pictures (yuckety yuck yuck) which you can see here. Not pleasant, but a chore that needs to be done.

We took the wee man, Hamish, out for a walk around the local lake which was really lovely. A balmy early summer evening and lots of things to see and appreciate and take my mind off food for two minutes..... My favourite thing on the walk was seeing two families of Canada geese each with a mum and dad guarding flocks of around 6 or 7 tiny baby goslings across the lake away from us and the dog. It was so gorgeously cute!

Today (Friday) was better, thank goodness. I started off by getting weighed, which I know I shouldn't do more than once a week but after such a struggle yesterday I really wanted to know if this was all worth it. And it seemed it was. In the four days since Monday morning's weigh in at 267.2 pounds I've lost 7lbs, weighing in at 260.0 pounds. That was a boost to my psyche I can assure you! And to add to that today seemed easier - I drank about 3 and a half litres of water today without toiling and enjoyed my 'meals' at the right times. Felt quite empowered, but cautiously so as is my nature.

My Ketostix arrived today (actually, they're not the brand Ketostix, just generic equivalents) which was fun. After dutifully weeing on the end and waiting the prescribed 30 seconds it had turned a satisfying dark pink. Definitely not purple, which is what we're ultimately aiming for as this shows you're definitely in a state of proper Ketosis, but definitely not neutral.

Mr RB acted as the [can't remember the scientific word we used to use in school science experiments!] and tried one out himself. After he'd wasted the first one by peeing on the wrong end (no, honestly!! Let's just say he's very tired at the moment....) we had to wait a couple of hours until he could try another one which showed a resilient lack of colour change. Not even a tiny bit! So that was good too - showing me I'm on the right track.

I really hope I can do this. 7 pounds in 4 days is so great, but the lure of carbohydrates is really, really strong sometimes. Wish me luck!

P.S. a HUGE congratulations to Lesley (she of Live to Slim fame who has been a huge inspiration to me) on almost reaching her 7 stone weight loss! That is incredible and I'm so pleased for her! As they say on The Biggest Loser USA, 'Good Jobbbb!'